


whats the freedom in this?

by nycthemeron



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Canon Compliant, Destiny, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Late at Night, M/M, Merlin Needs a Hug (Merlin), Mid-Canon, Near Death, Oblivious Arthur, Oh wait, Sad, Screw Destiny, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, With a side of angst, but not romantically sorry, honestly writing this made my heart ache, i dont know if you could say there was much comfort tho, i would consider this to be platonic, its really just sad, lapslock, no one actually died tho, ugh i just really needed to write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-24 04:12:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18563674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nycthemeron/pseuds/nycthemeron
Summary: and even though merlin cannot see them all from this window ledge that he sits on, he hopes that when he dies, his soul will make a home among the stars.





	whats the freedom in this?

the world seems eerily calm tonight. placated, you could say.

  
the stars shine brighter than ever, and merlin could count all of them if he tried hard enough. for a long time he looks for shapes in the stars, things that make no sense, and things that feel like they belong. and merlin pictures them far far away, burning brightly, beautiful displays of colors he could never imagine laying his eyes upon. dazzling displays of red and blue and green and yellow.

  
and even though merlin cannot see them all from this window ledge that he sits on, he hopes that when he dies, his soul will make a home among the stars.

  
the wind is unpredictable tonight. his feet kick back and forth, and out of the blue the wind comes crashing against his face, trying to push him back inside. after each gust comes a sudden silence and peace, the four directions hoping that merlin will change his mind lock the window back up.

  
in the distance, he hears a wolf howl. no others join in the call, meaning that wolf has been separated from the pack, alone. and the cry seems more guttural that they normally hear, unusual vibrations able to be picked up on even from where merlin sits. and his heart breaks just a little more, because he knows what that feels like.

  
"i know how you feel, friend," he says to the air, smiling sadly.

  
he huffs in amusement, mostly to himself, looking down at his lap without focus, then looking off to the left. arthur sleeps serenely, relaxed for the time being, as he so deserved. the longer merlin looks at him, the more guilty he feels, his smile long gone knowing the hurt he is going to cause.

  
merlin looks back out the window. "you know, when i first arrived in camelot, this-- _all_ of _this_ \--had never been my plan," he says, not loud enough to wake him.

  
"when i came here, i had no idea that i would be a part of something as great as this, as you," merlin speaks, emotion clear in his voice as his eyes water, "and yet im supposed to protect you, help you unite Albeon once and for all."

  
arthur stirs in his sleep while merlin speaks.

  
"and it is _wonderful_ ," he states sincerely, tears falling, "but i feel so insignificant and undeserving next to you. and maybe it should be the other way around with me saving your life, but its just--"

eventually arthurs eyes peel open because merlin had grown louder as he spoke. but now merlin is quiet, thoughts muddling in his head.

  
arthur spots him on the window ledge, his eyes widening as he bolts upright in his bed. "merlin? what are you doing in my quarters at night?"

merlin turns his head to look at him, and his eyes seem to lose the life and energy in them that arthur had become so acquainted with and used to. and arthur knows that something is not right, that merlin is not here for some sinister reason. merlin looks away, back to gazing at the stars and listening to the crickets.

  
after a long silence, arthur tries once more, softer this time,"merlin?"

  
another silence.

  
arthur is about to speak again, but merlin speaks before he does, "even with everything ive helped you accomplish, with everything ive gone through by your side, this was never what i had in mind for myself."

  
he has never seen nor heard merlin in this kind of state. he does not know what to do, so he stays quiet to listen, though he does throw his legs over his bed, feet to the floor in case he needs to move.

  
"i came here so i could learn from Gaius, because my mother sent me here," and its here that the tears get caught in merlins throat, making his voice wavery and raspy, "but i never had a choice in the _first_ place! my destiny has always been to be some sort of _savior_ , but i just... cant do it!"

  
merlin moves farther off the ledge and further into the wind, which pushes against him with all its might. arthur can tell what hes going to attempt, but he also knows that he just wants someone to hear him. he does not know what merlin speaks about, but it is obviously causing him distress.

  
"ive never been free in my entire life! its always felt like i was expected to my life on the line, to risk my life. for _you_! for _you,_ arthur!" he looks back the man he speaks of, whos comes closer to him, step by slow step. "i just want to make my own choices, choices that didnt always have to involve my destiny!"

  
merlin does not speak again for a while after that, lets the wind push, lets the crickets calm him, lets the stars grab his attention again. even with the chaos within a peaceful night, merlin feels... right. like he is doing the right thing despite everything he has been told.

  
arthur sits down at the table behind merlin, speaks gently to him, "merlin? i know youre stressed and afraid, but--"

  
" _stressed_? you think im _stressed_?" merlin asks incredulously, "that is most certainly not it. im tired of my entire life having one purpose! a purpose that i did not even choose for myself!"

  
merlin turns to look at him again, the life back in his eyes with the anger and distress directed towards arthur. "you could never understand what this is like. having to hide my whole life, having to serve some blind brat because its what i 'have to do'."

  
arthur is beyond perplexed, he cannot understand what merlin is talking about. but somewhere in his head, things begin to click, and he feels like hes on the verge of discovery.

arthur stands again, makes sure he does not notice him slowly inching closer, "merlin-"

"wheres the freedom in that?" merlin says, utterly broken, "wheres the freedom in this?"

before his very eyes, arthur watches merlin slide off the ledge easily, with purpose. and he moves forward on autopilot, nearly diving off the edge to plunge to his own death. he catches sight of merlins arms and grabs for it without thinking, stopping him from dropping three stories. arthurs grip is not stable, it will not last, so he braces his foot against the wall and uses his other hand to grab merlin tighter.

 all while merlin is telling him with a raising voice to let him go, shaking vigorously in his grasp.

he really does want to die, arthur thinks.

he pulls merlin from his doom and back into his quarters, altogether falling to the ground, and arthur immediately wraps his arms around him, preventing merlin from jumping out the window again.

but oh he fights. merlin thrashes and struggles, beating arthurs chest with his fist or pushing away from him as hard as he can. he growls and cries and yells. he does everything he can to get arthur to release him.

"let me _go_!" merlin pleads, "please, let me go! i cant-"

he gives a final shove, using all of his strength left in his exhausted, distraught body. "please let me go. i cant bare to be here anymore..."

merlins body relaxes against arthurs own when his trapping embrace becomes a comforting hug, and he shakes with the silent sobs that shudder through him. he grabs loosely on to arthurs shirt while he cries openly, and eventually returns the hug.

"sssshhhh," arthur soothes, "its okay."

and he rocks back and forth, petting merlins hair or rubbing his shoulders or back. he tries to come to terms with the fact that merlin, his best friend, had just tried to kill himself.

**Author's Note:**

> i was raised watching this show. this show helped shape me into who i am. it is truly a story i will never forget, and it is definitely something i will introduce to my future children. there are so many lessons to learn from it that my child brain could never understand but yet i learned them without knowing it. 
> 
> my appreciation and love for this timeless tale will never die. and i only hope my contribution to the heartbeat is sufficient. because i know that this oneshot is not as good as it couldve been. 
> 
> i really appreciate comments, if you have any to give.


End file.
